Although there may be animosity between you and your spouse, in most cases it is best for the children if the two of you can work together to strategize about what to say to the children. Divorce or separation can be a time of great transition and instability for the kids, and so it’s very important for children to feel safe and certain in their relationships with you as parents.

Once you decide with certainty that you are planning to divorce, you should discuss what you want to say to your children. The more the two of you can come together as a united front, the better the difficult conversation about your divorce is going to be for your children.

Experts in child development also suggest waiting to tell the kids until you and your spouse have answers to some of their questions. So, rather than opting for full disclosure early on when you and your spouse still have a great deal of your own questions and uncertainty,  try waiting long enough that you are able reassure your kids about issues like where are they going to live and how often are they going to see each of you. Finally, know that if you and your spouse are not talking about how to tell the kids and one of you tells them first, there are likely to be hard feelings that may be hard to undo down the road.

Dover NH divorce attorney Kim Weibrecht is a member of the Collaborative Law Alliance of New Hampshire, an organization of professionals that promotes Collaborative Divorce, a method that many families choose because it is often easier for children. Click here to learn more about Collaborative Divorce.

Absolutely. If you and your spouse want the legal protections provided by a divorce in NH but don’t want the finality of a divorce just yet, you do have the option to get what is called a legal separation in NH. A legal separation provides many of the protections of a divorce in New Hampshire, with respect to dividing property and separating debt and establishing parenting rights, and has the flexibility to either become a divorce down the road or be withdrawn in the event the parties wish to pursue reconciliation.

The process of getting a legal separation is very similar to getting divorced in that decisions must be made about property division, child support, spousal support, and parenting rights and responsibilities. The difference is that, at the end of the process, the parties are still legally married. After parties are legally separated, if they want to change their legal separation to a divorce, they can do so and with minimal administrative detail and cost. People choose this option for varied reasons: some have emotional or religious reasons for wanting to avoid divorce; some have practical reasons, such as remaining insured through an employer’s health insurance policy. Whatever the reason may be for you, consider exploring the option with an attorney.

If you have questions, NH divorce Attorney Kim Weibrecht is available to consult on legal separation issues in NH.

Consider your options on a spectrum. At one end is the highest level of involvement by the court or a judge. At the other end is the lowest level of court involvement.

The simplest divorce process is a purely uncontested divorce without lawyers where the two of you discuss and decide all of the different issues necessary for your divorce. Sometimes parties do this type of divorce in NH when there are no children and their assets are very straightforward. Although the least expensive option, reaching agreements in your divorce without the help of a lawyer has great risks and is not recommended except in the simplest of cases.

Mediation, Collaborative Divorce or Divorce Court?

Further down the spectrum is third party involvement and facilitation. For example, if you and your spouse have so much tension between you that you can’t discuss divorce issues without arguing, if you can’t reach agreements, or if you’re simply overwhelmed with all the different information and decisions to be made, then getting a third party involved might be a good option for you. Within this category is mediation or collaborative divorce.

Mediation is a process in which parties work with a trained divorce mediator who acts as coach and neutral facilitator. A mediator can help keep you on track as you work through the many decisions necessary for divorce and can help the two of you keep your discussions productive and civil.  An experienced divorce mediator can help the two of you avoid getting “stuck” on emotionally charged issues and can help keep the conversation going. Although not permitted to give legal advice, a mediator who has experience in the divorce system brings a wealth of “legal information” to the process to help the parties navigate this unfamiliar territory.  For more information about Mediation, click here.

Collaborative Divorce may be right for you if you like the idea of third-party facilitation but it feels important to you to have a lawyer involved throughout the process.  Collaborative Divorce is a technique that has enjoyed great success in other parts of the country and that is becoming more wide-spread in New Hampshire.  Collaborative Divorce takes the best features of mediation – trained facilitation during a series of round table discussions – and incorporates legal advocacy and the support of other professionals from fields such as mental health and financial planning.  For more information about Collaborative Divorce, click here.

Finally, at the far end of the spectrum is a fully litigated or court-based divorce. By “litigated,” I mean a divorce in which parties who are unable to reach their own agreements on issues, argue their different positions to a marital master/judge, who then makes the final decisions for them.  Traditionally, all divorces were divorces litigated through the court-process.  The Family Law system now recognizes, however, that except in rare cases, the majority of divorce cases fare better in the non-adversarial processes, such as mediation or Collaborative Divorce.  Litigated divorce, while an important option for those rare cases that require it, generally costs much more in legal fees, takes longer from start to finish, increases animosity between the parties, provides less control for the parties, and results in a higher dissatisfaction rate, which then leads to more litigation in the future.  Most notably, for couples who will continue to co-parent children long after their divorce, the animosity that results from litigated divorce does harm to their ability to effectively co-parent their children.

Amicable Divorce? What If I Can Barely Talk to My Spouse Right Now?

Actually, it’s very rare that a couple reaches the point where they know divorce is imminent and there isn’t some degree of anger between them. With this said, anger is not at all a disqualifying factor for achieving an amicable divorce, whether through mediation or collaborative divorce. In fact, the victory of most cooperatively resolved divorces is that despite their anger, couples were able to come together enough to take control of their divorce decisions and work for the benefit of the children.  Most couples are appropriate for some type of “cooperative” divorce process, and it’s the exceptional case, such as situations involving substance abuse or mental illness, where a cooperative option wouldn’t be appropriate.

Do you have questions? Wondering what your options are? Contact NH Divorce Attorney Kim Weibrecht today.

Nowadays, there is a good deal of professional and institutional support for parties in a divorce to use the least adversarial process necessary to protect their legal interests. A more amicable divorce allows the parties to maintain a productive relationship. This is especially important when children are involved and parents need a healthy and productive co-parenting relationship throughout their children’s lives. A highly adversarial divorce can do irreparable damage to co-parents’ relationships, not to mention the financial and emotional cost it takes on you and your spouse.

There are cases in which the malice of one party requires the other to be protective. In such cases, an aggressive stance is warranted. But all too often, attorneys do not assess whether such a stance is necessary in a given case; they just paint every case with the same broad brush. Unfortunately, if both parties move to aggressive and adversarial positions unnecessarily, the positions can be hard to move back from.

When this happens early in a case, it really can set the stage for the way that the case progresses for the next year and a half. The result is that many cases that don’t need to be aggressively litigated end up being so because overly aggressive positions were carved out too early in the process. Once you know a divorce is imminent, you should first consider what kind of a divorce you want to have.

If you and your spouse are on amicable terms, this is a conversation that you can and should have together. Once you’ve given thought to how you want your divorce to progress, then I recommend seeking the counsel of a trusted and experienced family law attorney to advise you of the risks and benefits of a litigated divorce and the likelihood of success for such an approach in your unique case.

If you have questions about taking the first step towards divorce, please do not hesitate to contact Weibrecht Law.